I abandon myself

There is a part in the book, “Days of Abandonment” by Elena Ferrante where she calls out her husband who left her, for “throwing her over the hole.” Its been awhile since I read it so I might not be able to retell it quite right but the feeling is that he’d been using her and now this other person he left her for, to avoid or escape the emptiness. His emptiness. The hole.

We all have a hole… I am trying so hard not to tap into my juvenile dirty mind, please stay with me philosophically!

Ok again - we all have a hole… an emptiness. And I think we use different tactics, substances, even people to avoid it. To cover it up. To not look at it. In an effort not to victimize myself … I’ll say that I have found myself pushed over many peoples’ holes. And I know that is because I allow it. I even like it sometimes (savior complex). I feel this is where my worth lies…. in protecting people from their emptiness.

I feel my Savior complex starting to crumble though. Which is a relief. I don’t know that I’ll ever be rid of it completely but it is growing weaker and weaker. When someone is using me or I am allowing them to use me to avoid the emptiness… I start to feel sick. My head starts to weigh a ton and I feel my eyelids droop. Sort of wrung out is the feeling I get. Sucked dry of all life. I slept 10 hours last night and I still feel wrung out.

Tending to my own one hole is more than enough (hahahaha)